Why does a father fall in love with his daughter? My husband loves his daughter too much. Admire your wife

IS IT NORMAL FOR A DADDY TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A DAUGHTER?

"...I don’t know how to understand this. I am attracted to my own daughter. Now she is 16 years old, and I am 40. My wife and I lived together for 22 years, everything was fine with us, I love her, she loves me. I work I’m in a job where I have money (left), and I can safely go away - no one will control me, no one will notice.

Of course, all these years I have had many women, I am not a saint. You could even say that it has become a kind of “hobby” for me. I can't miss any new woman if I like her and if she turns out to have a not very strict "moral code". Yes, my wife never knew or even suspected about my “second life”; everything is fine with her.

But a year ago I learned about the existence of AIDS and was scared. With my lifestyle, “getting knocked up” and becoming a “suicide bomber” costs nothing. He stopped all contacts at once... In general, he became an “exemplary husband.” But here's the problem - I feel drawn to my own daughter as a woman. Moreover, I told her this. She shied away from me: “Are you crazy, dad?”

In general, it seems that I have begun to have a mental disorder. What should I do, see a psychiatrist?"

(Without a signature.)

Why is this letter important to us? A man's reasonable position. Yes, precisely reasonable, because he, having felt an attraction to his daughter, does not succumb to this attraction, as some in his place do, and does not go to “seduce” his daughter, but seeks help and fights his attraction.

Can we say that the current situation is a consequence of a dissolute former life? Of course, to a very strong extent, because the choice of “sexual sport” in the form of a “hobby” is indeed often fraught with various costs. Especially after forty years...

It is at the age of forty, during the years of the next life crisis, that a person suddenly begins to seriously reconsider the life he has lived, and his assessments are sometimes quite harsh. It may turn out that much in life was given over to passions and instincts, that much was missed.

For us, this letter is characteristic in that it raises an important layer of life: the problem of early personality orientation. What are we focusing on: contact with others, relationship and deepening contact? For self-affirmation and “serving” your passions and instincts? For self-development? To acquire a position? To purchase material goods? To “live no worse than others”? For harmony with others? For inner harmony?

All these are different types of orientation, they can be realized, and each of them has its own outcome - the more we engage in “game” in life, the more we walk “under a mask” - the more likely the end, so poignantly described by L. Tolstoy in the story "The Death of Ivan Ilyich."

What follows from all that has been said? Yes, only that it is worth saying goodbye to infantile ideas about yourself, about others and fairy tales about marriage relationships.

The fact that we will constantly experience only a feeling of love for the person with whom we live or live next to, alas, is an illusion. “Relationships in marriage are like a carrying current, and this current carries love, fear, disappointment, tenderness, sympathy, resentment, respect, but none of these experiences is final,” says the famous American psychotherapist K. Rogers.

Maturity begins where we stop taking revenge and standing “with our hand outstretched”, where we begin to control all the circumstances that prevent us from living together - from our attitudes to common stereotypes and group views. The main thing is to see everything as it is, to feel how much the relationships we build are consonant with us.

And one last thing. We must feel: marriage is kept in secret. No outsider should know anything. This is especially true for those problems that will be discussed in the next section. Besides the doctor, of course...

My common-law husband lives with his adult daughter from a previous marriage. When she showed up at his house, I had to leave. Her husband always loved her very much, and still loves her now. He does everything for her that she doesn’t want. But that's not what worries me. When I visit them, I see this picture. He can pinch her legs, bite her neck. She can lie down on his lap and he hugs her under his arm, while she giggles. I myself lived only with my mother and I don’t know what kind of relationship should develop between a daughter and a father. Help me figure it out - maybe everything is fine? Thank you.

Irina, Russia, 44 years old

Family psychologist's answer:

Hello Irina.

I don’t quite understand why you had to leave when your husband’s daughter showed up at his house. Whose initiative was this? Did any of you set certain conditions? Or maybe you were in a hurry to move out? It seems to me that this is the weakest link in your situation. Children can indeed be very selfish or too demanding of their parents. But parents also often give all their love to their children rather forcedly, because there is no loved one nearby. Perhaps your husband is so attached to his daughter because for a long time he did not love anyone else, or no one loved him. Of course, with your appearance, something had to change. But such changes do not always come overnight, especially in adults. Switching your life to a different direction, redistributing your feelings, is not like changing a light bulb in a floor lamp. And as for touching and caressing between parents and children, this also happens if both parties lack sensuality and there are no other objects for affection and various household fun. There is only one danger in such situations. If both father and daughter, or at least one of them, do not want to look for any other objects for sensual relationships or do not develop these other relationships, then all the need for tenderness can be splashed out on a loved one. The consequences, as a rule, do not bring anything good. This is usually excessive demands, even to the point of demands in various forms and under various pretexts to give up personal life with another person. So you should rather think about your role in this story. Do you want to be closer to this man, despite his strong emotional attachment to his daughter, and are you ready to give him time to sort out his feelings and decide whether he needs a personal life that will not compete with his relationship with his daughter, and in general whether he wants to change something in his life and rebuild his feelings in a different way.

Sincerely, Natalya Aleksandrovna PANFILOVA.

As a child, when I was three or four years old, my mother “had” a terse but interesting conversation with me. I told her that I wanted to marry my dad, and she said that this was impossible because my mother was his wife. I cried so much in response...

Many years later. And I realized that my words were not empty. I love my own dad. He is my most ideal ideal. He has all the traits that I like in a man. Why don't others have this combination of traits? Maybe everyone stubbornly hides this combination?

Dad understands me like no one else...

He is my best friend, the best person. I have no secrets from him. I tell him everything, I share everything in the world. I even tell him things that they don’t seem to tell dads. Mom just went to someone else and left me with dad. And this is how I’m structured: I share everything that worries me, what’s gnawing at me, what worries me.

I'm jealous of him for another woman

Mom left, dad found a woman. How jealous I am of him for her! I hate her! I wanted to somehow move in with my mother so as not to meet this lady, but as it turned out, my mother didn’t need me at all. She arranged her life. And in her life there is not a bit of free space for me. I'm not offended, but I'm surprised. I am her daughter! How can you violate all the rules of decency towards me? At least I wouldn’t do that to my own daughter.

If I had explained why I so wanted to “run away” from my dad, my mother would most likely have sent me to a mental hospital or somewhere else. And my friends don’t know anything at all. I'm afraid to say anything. If I were in my place, it’s unlikely that I would “sculpt” anything on this topic for anyone.

Loving dad is not a sin

But only if the love for him is natural, and not like mine. I reproach myself, but I can’t help but love my dad. I love…. He is the best of the best.

I don’t understand why my mother exchanged him for someone else. I saw the “other”, but I was never able to understand why he was better. If he has a better financial position - nonsense! More of a show off than anything else.

I came home one day. Dad slept soundly. I covered him with a blanket, looked at him and went into my room. Cry. Cry and not sleep. For probably more than four years, all I did was lie awake and cry into my pillow. Tears saved only the soul. And then - sometimes. Dad saw my tears. I came up with reasons for their “flows”. And each time they were different from the previous ones. I didn't want to lie. But my truth is worse than any lie. He won't understand! And I can’t stand his misunderstanding or laughter.

I'm going to live with a friend

She has a spacious three-room apartment. One of them is for me. I'll be better there. I will come to my dad. Because the person who lives with him infuriates me. Why am I not her? The funny thing is that I consider her a rival. Stepmother! What love can bring...

If there were wizards, I would go to them for help

And so, I have to “bear” everything within myself, hoping that this “everything” will leave me alone. But it doesn’t even think about it. How I suffer, hating myself and this whole unfair world! Cigarettes, coffee and music. They distract me more or less from all thoughts. What they are - I’ll keep quiet so as not to put the readers into a state of horror.

Dad teaches me how to cook and eat. He does this well and with pleasure. I love watching the movement of his hands. His hands are beautiful... By the way, I want to paint his portrait. But he won't agree. If they start to get very angry because they are trying to photograph him, the drawings and portraits can be canceled immediately. And I would take my father’s portrait to my friend’s apartment. Let him be with me at least in a photo or in my creation.

I’ll be honest: I once drew my father while he was sleeping soundly. Naturally he doesn't know about it. I hid the portrait I painted in my hiding place. I won’t describe in detail where my hiding place is, because I’m afraid that he will read my article someday. There are things you can't know!

I disappeared into the Internet...

I searched the Internet for answers to my difficult questions. I met only one condemnation. Well, why do that? Why is there so much injustice and cruelty in people? I do not deny that they (cruelty and injustice) generally live in every person. I don't require anything special.

I just ask you to “reverse” your views, dear people! Soon dad will marry the one with whom he lives and then I will have a stepsister (judging by the ultrasound). No, I won't hate her. She is my sister, although only half my sister. My dad is very happy. And seeing this, I become even happier. When he feels good, it feels good for me. My love is my problem. I'm not going to run away from her. This is an unrealistic solution. I will leave love to develop into ordinary affection. You need to live correctly, and not the way you would like...!?

Walking completely alone, I managed to think about a lot...

I felt superfluous in my dad’s life and in my mom’s life. When my sister is born, I will go to my friend’s house, just as I wanted. I will come when I need to help my father’s woman look after the baby. I will do this with love and pleasure, because I love children. But seriously, I’ve been dreaming about a sister for a long time. It’s really better if she was born from my “common” parents.

Although I hate Irina, I already love my “future” sister. As if she were my own daughter. Probably because she is my father’s. That's what I thought. Parents are not chosen. That means sisters or brothers too. I should rejoice in happiness even when I am filled with suffering. It's difficult, but nothing is impossible. This is not a read truth, but one that has come over the years. If a little man wants to achieve a goal, he will achieve it if he tries. And his personal qualities will help him in this.

I write without believing what I write, but I write what I feel. Well, I did it! She was most likely worried. It’s impossible to remain calm. Here, anyway. Love love love…. She did not come in the form in which I expected to meet her. But she came and didn’t ask if I wanted to see her like this. She is impudent. But arrogance is happiness, living at number two.

I dulled the pain with a liter of coffee. Then - with cigarette smoke. Then - sleep. But I don’t forget reality: I return to it to change everything.

I fell in love with him -

My feelings

Dr. Freud would like me because I am a walking proof of his theories. And now I have come to be treated for unhappy love. In general, unrequited love is a regular occurrence in my life.

The same Oedipus complex

I want to hear him, see him, be close... I have no one dearer than him.

The unusually calm doc raised his eyebrows:

And it's all?

Yes, why?..

Yes, there is no passion or desire here. You talk about him as a beloved brother, father... By the way, how old was your dad when your parents separated?..

30-35 years old...

Great, find his photo for our next meeting...

In the evening, a photo of my father was fished out of my mother's bins... To say that my father was very similar to my beloved is to say nothing! These were twin brothers. I wonder why I didn’t pay attention to this before? Or was I driven away by the thought of the similarity of the man of my dreams with my own father?!

When my parents separated, I went to first grade.

Between approximately 3 and 5 years of age, a girl develops a strong attraction to one of her parents, usually her father. Freud called this the Electra complex (a similar attraction in boys to their mothers is called the Oedipus complex). In general, my love for my dad had already registered in my brain.

Kill love!

A 3-year-old girl, trying to get her dad's attention, begins to be jealous of her mother, said Dr. Kryukov. - And he decides to beat the enemy with his own weapon - he adopts the manners, gestures, and peculiarities of his mother’s behavior. If parents love each other, the Electra complex will not take on painful forms. Is it not the first time that neighbors and relatives will be surprised: “Why do men want sons more, but then love daughters?” It’s just that dad recognizes his wife’s favorite traits in the growing girl. Here is the solution to “hereditarily happy” families: a girl chooses the type of man who ideally matches her way of thinking and character - just as dad matched mom.

More than 70% of women at the subconscious level choose their loved ones in the image and likeness of their father (it doesn’t matter whether their parents live together or are separated). One recognizes dad in his partner's facial expressions, another - in the way he speaks or moves, the third is captivated by his views on life. It can be difficult to get to the bottom of such (and even smaller) nuances. The external resemblance is obvious - therefore this kind of “love” is the easiest to fight. But you really have to fight if relationships with partners of a certain type of happiness do not bring you happiness.

Hereditary losers

It has been noticed, for example, that the daughters of alcoholics strive to marry alcoholics; if dad beat mom, then - a hundred to one! - her husband will also beat her daughter... If her parents are divorced, the girl will plunge into unrequited love over and over again: handsome men of the “father type” do not like her appearance (manners, character, voice...). Maybe that’s why dad left mom at one time. Girls subconsciously look for “native” (positive, by the way) traits, which are certainly accompanied by “native” vices.

What if there was no father at all and there was no one to “sculpt the image” of the girl? Then, it is likely that her love for a man is replaced by the need for paternal care, which she did not receive in childhood. Perhaps she will be lucky to meet a decent adult who will provide the “orphan” with a comfortable, quiet existence. This is not love. This is comfort (which, in general, is also not bad). But more often, such girls rush into the arms of the first person they meet - who caresses them. And they end up, if not in criminal situations, then in a hassle - for sure.

Or was dad very good and beloved... How many beautiful ladies remained old maids because they “didn’t meet someone like dad”?

Epilogue

“You know what,” said the doctor, “look for yourself an image by contrast. That is, identify three qualities (maybe even paternal qualities) that a man should not have under any circumstances. From the rest, choose a husband.” When everyone who wanted to boss me around, who loved to save money and confused Gogol with Hegel, was eliminated, I got married.

He doesn't look like my father. Maybe just a little bit... In any case, waking up yesterday morning with a feeling of absolute happiness, I stretched and said: “That’s good, pa-ah!” And then she covered her mouth with her palm, pushing her subconscious back into its dark depths.

What if a long-married couple with no children decides to take an important step and adopt an 11-year-old girl? Baby gold. She loves her foster parents to death, listens to everything, doesn’t play pranks, because she’s afraid that she will be returned back to the orphanage.
Over the years, she turns into a good girl (just not a sexy pixie), she has a faithful boyfriend and girlfriend. The relationship with her father is excellent, he spoils her, spends a lot of time with her, theaters, cinema, holidays abroad, and most importantly, he is her best friend and the girl tells him about everything in the world.
But there are problems with the adoptive mother, she became cold towards her over the years, she realized that the children were not hers. Moreover, my own husband spends too much time with the orphan. Because of this, there are many scandals in the family; the woman constantly threatens to send the girl back to the shelter.
After another scandal, the girl leaves home to join friends. Her father cannot find her for a long time, but when he finds her, he promises that he will always need her and he will not return her to the orphanage because he loves her.
A man divorces his wife and moves with his daughter to another city where the girl goes to college, and he gets a job there as a professor.
Their life is not bad, but the girl notices that both students and teachers are pestering her father. His appearance is ordinary, not macho but also not fat, an ordinary fifty-year-old (or forty-year-old (we remember that he lived with his wife for a long time) man, with a small belly and graying hair. BUT!!! His voice is just rubbish, everyone really admires him , and he also has long musical fingers (perhaps he plays some kind of instrument).
The girl is infuriated by such attention to her father, and she is constantly not happy with it. One day he brings a colleague to his house and introduces her to his daughter, introducing her as his woman. The girl freaks out, wanders the streets for a long time, and, enraged, returns home where she does not find her father. While she was not at home, he quarreled with his mistress and went to the bar to get drunk. Returning home, he went straight to his daughter’s bedroom to find out the reason for her behavior, but when he saw how she was sleeping sweetly, he became excited and began to pester her. At first she resisted, but then she became aroused herself, and they finally slept.
In the morning, realizing what had happened, the father apologized for a long time and said that everything that happened was a big mistake, and they decided to forget about everything. But a couple of weeks later the girl got a little drunk at a party and when she came home she repeated her father’s feat. And in the morning the same thing happened again.
There was silence for a month, but the father could not stand it and, already sober, came to his daughter’s bedroom. This went on for some time, at night he came to her bedroom for passionate sex, and in the morning he pretended that nothing was happening, calling what was happening just sex and nothing more.
Then the girl, deciding that it’s time to live her own life, agrees to a relationship with a classmate who has been courting her for a long time. One night she refuses her father, admitting that she has a boyfriend and will not cheat on him. But we don’t beg the father; with long caresses and persuasion he still achieves his goal.
At the institute, he bullies his daughter’s boyfriend in every possible way and forbids him to date the girl, he agrees, because he really wants to graduate from the institute with good grades. The girl is not very upset since she had no feelings for the boy. The strange relationship with his father continues, but THIS is the only thing they do sometimes during the day.
Various guys and even young teachers continue to hit on the girl. The man does not tolerate this and transfers her to a university in another city and gets a job there. The girl is of course outraged and quarrels strongly with him, telling him everything she thinks about him, for which she receives a severe spanking and sex on the verge of rape with demands to admit that she belongs only to Him and no one else.
And then Happy Ending......
If you wish, you can change the girl to a boy, but the plot must remain