Paradoxes of life: Why does a man need a mistress if he loves his wife? If a lover truly loves how he behaves psychology

Can a man love both his wife and his mistress. What to do?

Let's start by clarifying what exactly a person means by the word "love"? After all, the answer to such an important question depends on what meaning is put into this word. If there is a feeling of warmth, tenderness or affection behind it, then it is quite possible to fall in love with two at once. Under such conditions, you can become attached to both three and ten at the same time.

Another question is when a man says: I love my wife and I love my mistress, but it implies a manifestation of mutual active care, or, if you like, a demonstration of motivation to form stable relationships in a couple. Based on this meaning, then double love is impossible.

Why? Because by showing care to your wife, you will not hurt her by showing the same care to another female person. And because the desire to form a stable pair connection is incompatible with the formation of the same connection with someone else, except for the spouse. So it will cease to be stable.

Guided by our clear definitions, it turns out that it is impossible to love both the lawful chosen one and the mistress at the same time.

But there is a but! Situations when a person is convinced of his feelings for two at once do exist. And both sexes face such cases.

How is this possible?

There are three possible explanations:

• The first and simplest is that the definition of feelings in words is incorrect, since a man really feels it only for his mistress, and lives with his wife only because it is so convenient, there is a child or for some other reason.
• The second explanation, in fact, has the basis of the first, but a little more complicated. Here a person implies a personal dependence on certain manifestations of another person.
• The third, perhaps most important, is that a man is in a state of split, at a climax, deciding what to do - choose a spouse or mistress?

The last point should be considered in more detail.

The new begins where the old ends

To begin with, let's consider the scheme of the development of the situation, which leads to a painful conclusion: I love both my wife and a new passion.

Why do you think the novel appears on the side? That's right - because the main feeling for a partner is weakening. Or disappear altogether. When he appears with renewed vigor, he is already called by another woman - his mistress. And now the romance is gaining momentum, the situation seems to be obvious, but ... Suddenly, the unexpected happens: in some incomprehensible way, relations with his wife have improved. How exactly - a separate conversation. In short, both hormones and purely psychological mechanisms work here (for example, the pressure of a new passion, incorrect behavior, etc.), and something else that is not yet subject to scientific explanation.

But the fact of a sudden and seemingly completely illogical emergence of mutual understanding in a married couple has been noticed and confirmed by psychologists. And it is precisely at this point, being between two “good relations”, that a person learns an unbearable state of choice - from whom to leave, and with whom to stay? And it seems that here a positive answer to the question: is it possible to love two, no doubt. Yes, but it only seems. In fact, the choice between two passions is that very dual love.

In this state, such a feeling either still, or no longer exists. It will appear later, after the selection is made. And by the way, a man does not always experience true love for the one he has chosen. But this is a separate issue.

Task: to decide with whom to stay is difficult, because here you need to act. And in order to act, you need to realize that one of the relationships needs to end. Otherwise, it is unrealistic to withstand psychologically the state of uncertainty. An incomplete connection is like an infection that slowly spreads and poisons the personality.

Who to part with is a personal matter for everyone, but there are tips on how to do it. If the relationship isn't quite dead yet, it's worth considering. But if they survived their finale a few years ago, then it is worth acting. Living in the hope that things can get better, as well as constantly comparing a potential new wife with an old one (or vice versa), you only hurt yourself.

And yes, the advice applies to one person as well as to another. After all, your relationship with your spouse after infidelity can also become new. The main thing to understand is that the new begins where the old ends.

With whom to stay, and with whom to leave

A representative of the stronger sex, choosing between a legal spouse and another woman, will have a hard time. You need to prepare yourself for the fact that any decision will not be painless. You also need to be aware of how much you want to take it. Perhaps you are waiting for women to do it for you. It is clear that in such a situation, a person wants someone to help with the decision, be it a psychologist, an astrologer or close people. But the help of someone from the outside is rather an illusion, self-deception, since the one who chooses simply needs to share responsibility with someone. Better yet, shift it. Remember that a love triangle ruins the lives of three people at once. The final decision must be made, and the sooner the better.

Since the choice is closely connected with the rejection of something that was in a person’s life, it is important to understand here: what he gains and what he loses by giving preference to one or another passion.

Another factor to consider is to understand the concept of "love". In a situation where a husband is in love with both his wife and his mistress, there cannot be two absolutely identical feelings. Ask yourself: what exactly are you experiencing? Describe the feelings in words, taking into account all the shades. Surely they will be different. In some there will be more passion, in others - care or responsibility. Notice the difference between the soul urges. What is she in? Maybe you have a specific deterrent, such as having children. Give yourself an account of this. Or is your financial situation not allowing you to part with your ex and provide for a new darling? Or maybe you have some other addiction that does not allow you to assess the situation impartially? These are very important factors. They may seem quite insignificant against the background of experiences, but still play a decisive role in the selection process.

There are examples when a man does not leave his wife only because of the responsibility for the family, which he took on entirely. Of course, it is noble, but the hopelessness here will drag on for a long time. The strong half of the couple needs to figure out as soon as possible why he does this? Perhaps he treats his wife like a small child - is he convinced that she will not live without his protection and help? But he does not understand that in reality he feels only pity? After all, real passion still goes to another woman. So, protection and help is no longer needed. Moreover, when a husband treats his chosen one like a child, this is fundamentally wrong. Such a connection, if not worked on, means that it is time for the husband to leave, and it is time for the wife to grow up. Here there will be a mutual complement: having left, the partner will give the other half a chance for an adult independent life.

Should you go to another?

When thinking about whether to leave for another woman, ask yourself what is valuable to you in this regard, what have you acquired that was not in a past life? Very often, betrayal does not stem from a love impulse, but from dissatisfaction, a lack of one or more "puzzles" in marriage. If this is your case, know that an affair on the side is a reaction to discord in family life. Choosing a new passion, it is important for a person to realize that:

• A new love arose not because of a lack of sensations.
• It is not a banal escape from everyday life and family problems.
• The person with whom you have established a new relationship is yours in every sense of the word.

If one of the points has shaken confidence in the decision, the representative of the stronger sex runs the risk of losing more than gaining.

When you make your choice, perhaps for some time you will love your wife and potential chosen one at the same time. But time will put everything in its place. It will become truly clear only when the passion subsides and other relationships grow on its foundation - real lasting love or alienation and disappointment. Guarantees, unfortunately, no one will give, so you have to take a chance and surrender to the will of fate.

But let us remind you once again - while there is still a chance, take a closer look at your feelings, listen to yourself as objectively as possible, without deceiving or creating illusions. Perhaps this is your chance to change your life for the better. Or not. But in any case, the responsibility lies with you. You must remember this.

And I love my wife and the “other”: the opinions of scientists

Consider the double bond process from a biochemical point of view. In this area, they do not believe in double love. Based on their theory, passion is caused by such a substance as dopamine, which is understandable to physicists, but not romantics. Dopamine is released only when a person sees the one they are in love with. And the process is possible only in relation to one person, but not to two.

But some psychotherapists answer the question: can a man love two at once, they answer positively. But note that not everyone has such a gift. It goes only to those who have a strong and developed psyche.

Then can a person with a strong psyche fall in love with three? Let's give an example: the famous English businessman James Goldsmith had three full-fledged families at once. Each had children, spending time together, vacations, etc. Periodically, he changed his place of deployment and lived with all three families in turn. The will also listed three heirs. It turns out that it is also possible to fall in love with three? Scientists are sure not. Of course, if the lover's psyche is all right. To fall in love means to enter a kind of obsessive state, which, according to scientists, is not able to arise immediately for three. Obsession can only occur in turn. Apparently, James Goldsmith did.

Another interesting fact: sexologists say that the feeling of falling in love is closely connected with the bed. And although romantics will not like this expression, there is no love without sexual desire. There is just a hobby.

And if we are talking about bed, then here are some facts about how the love triangle relates to sex:

• Only 5% of partners never went "to the left". But this does not mean that 95% cheat with a "cold heart" or have an unsuccessful marriage.
• 20-30% of civil couples, as well as about 15% of those legalized at least once, but had the experience of threesomes. And the third was not superfluous.
• And the last thing: it often happens that a husband does not want a wife, but actively has sex with a passion on the side, although he is in love with both equally (as he thinks). British scientists believe that a person has a gene that suppresses sexual desire, paired with many years of marital experience.

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How do you know if a lover loves you?

How to understand if a man loves you?

Who among us has not tormented the poor chamomile in search of an answer to the age-old question? Burning with passion or seeking reciprocity, friendly courtship or habit? How to understand if a man loves you if there are doubts or a choice is ahead? A long family life or plans to enter into it always raise suspicions about the intentions of the second half.

Probably, because no one can give a clear definition of love, it is definitely impossible to answer the question of whether a man loves or not. Just like you can't get into a person's soul.

he looks around the waiting room anxiously, knowing she's a plump brunette with glasses. In his hands are very modest flowers and a rumpled coat. He! The heart beats anxiously. Eye to eye, silence and a long, seemingly endless kiss. They dissolved into each other, wanting to carry this momentary feeling through their whole lives ...

What is the ending of this story? Absolutely anyone: they lived happily ever after or broke up on the second day. It is not important. They loved at a distance and beyond time.

In order to understand whether he loves you, you need to know this feeling, plunge into the pool with your head and not regret anything. No need to look for reasons for doubt, catch it in words or look for a catch in actions. Action is all that is worth judging. Flowers and expensive gifts, passionate nights and the promise of stars, all this is nothing compared to an all-consuming feeling.

Love is care and respect. A loving person will not make a fuss out of the blue, for him an unclosed tube of toothpaste or a dinner not cooked on time is just an excuse to take care of his loved one, to help him. A loving man will not tie a woman to the house, let her go with her friends to a coffee shop or a nightclub, because he trusts.

Love is when, after many, many years, he hugs so that there is nothing to breathe, dizziness and no strength to restrain emotions. To understand whether he loves you, you need to love him.

Men are pragmatic by nature. It cannot be unequivocally stated that all of them are completely dry and cold, incapable of expressing emotions. There are real womanizers, love from which simply flows, but, unfortunately, most often it is feigned and has nothing to do with real feelings.

For men, love is a tool for seducing a woman. The whole candy-bouquet period has one, clearly set goal - the bed. They are ready to sing praises and promise an eternal fairy tale, but such love has one result.

The true feelings of men are no different from women's, except perhaps more restraint, not the ability to present them. Men in the heat of the moment are ready to move mountains, do big stupid things and not be disappointed in their actions.

the clang of a key against a metal keyhole. She! Alive, healthy, well, thank God! Get undressed. Frozen? Let's have some tea...

True feeling defies logic, maybe that's why it's still alive.

And so, we approached, perhaps, the most interesting thing, how can you still determine whether he loves or will be hit with selfish intentions.

He carefully disguises his true attitude if:

• Directly points to your shortcomings. A loving man will not say that you are fat, he will delicately hint at the forms that have become a little more magnificent than they were.
• He finds any, even the most ridiculous reason not to take you to his home. Even if the relationship has moved into an intimate phase.
• He is never there at the right time. Yes, it is difficult for a man to understand what a woman wants from him and he is not able to quickly assess the situation, but he is always ready to listen. If he answers tears about a broken heel: “It’s her own fault”, instead of: “don’t worry.”
• He showers you with expensive gifts and this causes a feeling of making amends.

A little about intuition:

• A woman is so arranged that her sixth sense is somewhat more developed than that of men. She is able to intuitively understand and recognize lies. But she always needs to make sure that she is right. In order to dispel doubts, you can take a free online test "Does he love me?" at signorina.ru.
• Cry into your best friend's vest and draw conclusions together.
• Seek help from a psychologist who will adequately assess the situation.

In any case, if doubts are justified, it is worth clarifying them together with your soulmate. After all, if at the beginning of a relationship there is no mutual understanding, it is pointless to wait for it further. The years spent together undoubtedly leave an imprint on relationships, but understanding and dialogue are also important here. No matter how trite it may sound, but if you want to understand if a man loves you, just talk to him. The heart will always tell. In order to be loved, you must love.

How to understand that a lover is in love with you?

From the very birth, a person strives for love. He wants to be loved and love himself. Reaching adulthood, everyone begins to look for their soul mate. Well, if such a person meets, you can build a long-term relationship with him, turning into a marriage bond. However, often people find only partners who partially meet their needs. And here a woman may wish to find a lover who can love her.

A woman seeks a man only for love. She is unlikely to burden herself with exclusively sexual relationships. Sex without the absence of love will be uninteresting for a woman, so she will definitely want to know if all the men she surrounds herself with love her.

Why does a woman need a lover? Perhaps the reasons here can be given the same as in the case of male infidelity:

1. The woman is tired of family problems that constantly arise in relations with her husband. If problems are not solved, then she may be seduced by a partner who will appear in her life and offer love, no problems, fun and sex.
2. Looking for love. If men are looking for sex on the side, then women, for the most part, crave love. Often, feelings between spouses disappear over time, the spouse no longer carries, does not give compliments, does not talk about love, does not bring gifts, etc. A woman has already forgotten what it means to feel loved. Therefore, any man can conquer her if he begins to show his love.
3. Wants to divorce her husband. It is difficult for a woman to go into loneliness if she dreams of divorcing her husband. Therefore, she will look for a man to whom she will leave if a divorce suddenly occurs. It is good if this lover will love each other and also want to be with his mistress.

Family life is often disappointing. Women get tired of the constant need to do housework, raise children, work in order to somehow improve the financial situation of the family. Problems that are not solved between the spouses, but constantly worry them, the woman is also exhausted. Soon a woman can take such a step as having a lover. This process is especially facilitated by the appearance of a man who pays attention to a woman, wants to carry her in his arms, speaks of love and offers her something that her husband has not given for a long time.

Any woman who has not received anything good from her husband for a long time can be tempted here. A lover is not just a man for sex, but rather a person who must also love a woman so that she continues to communicate with him.

Even if it is a lover, a woman wants to know if she is loved. Since a lover can say one thing, but in fact be completely different, or, conversely, a man may not confess his love at all, although he feels it, because he understands that he is dating a married woman. How to understand that you are loved? Let's talk about this, considering non-verbal and verbal signs.

It is not necessary to unequivocally attribute these gestures as a sign of the presence of love. All men behave differently. Some deliberately practice certain mannerisms in order to mislead women in this way. However, there are common signs of a man's love:

A man will show in various ways that a woman is important and necessary to him. He may not confess his love, but at the level of actions it will be clear that he wants to be with this woman.

Another loving man will take care of himself in order to please his beloved. However, this does not apply to situations where sloppiness and carelessness are human qualities.

When a woman begins to feel love for herself, she breaks the roof. She, too, begins to think that she is falling in love with her lover. This causes her to make mistakes, which her husband begins to notice. Here a woman should not forget that she is married. If she does not want to lose her husband, then she should control herself, even if she has fallen in love. However, if she begins to dream about leaving her husband and going to her lover, then you need to be sure that feelings and desires are mutual.

A lover can love a woman, but not want to start a family with her. A lover can only temporarily show those gestures that are perceived by a woman as signs of love. You should first consider carefully whether you are mistaken in your assumptions and whether your divorce from your husband will be justified.

If the lover is married, then you should be 100% sure that he truly loves and is ready to leave his wife. If a married lover shows one of the following actions, then you should not go to him, because his love is insincere, everything suits him today:

1. Limits your communication with him, forbids him to call.
2. He may lie to you or make you nervous.
3. Forbids talking about him to your friends, acquaintances, relatives.
4. Treats you like property.
5. Does not celebrate holidays with you, especially if they concern both of you or one of you.
6. Does not talk to you about the future, even stops various dreams about the future.
7. Gives gifts instead of doing what you ask of him.

Each should first carefully look at what a man actually feels for her. Men always behave gallantly, as long as the situation develops the way they want. However, if you allow yourself to demand from a man what the woman personally wants, the situation can show how much the gentleman loves his partner.

Translated and adapted: Nastroy.net

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Why does a man need a mistress if he loves his wife

Sasha loves Masha, but is married to Irina. Moreover, Sasha is not going to divorce Irina, he says that he also loves her. Masha, oddly enough, is also married. The couple discusses their faithful in closed correspondence and even makes plans for a life together. They met several times, but whether there was something between them is unknown.

Weird situation, right? But not at all rare. Life is full of questions: How to be in a love triangle.

Why does a man need a mistress if he loves his wife? The reasons are different:

Often there is dissatisfaction with relationships: sexual, emotional.

It happens that this is a male struggle for an imaginary rating. The more women around, the higher self-esteem.

Sometimes it is a sign of anxiety, a deep-seated lack of confidence in oneself, in one's right to love and a happy relationship. A lover or girlfriend creates the illusion of a more durable being, is considered as a fallback.

The paradox lies in the fact that this “option” can destroy an outwardly prosperous family, because Irina can find out everything, but Sasha does not seem to be aware of this. How can that be? The answer lies in the very essence of love.

The sexual behavior of a person is regulated by his unconscious, at the physical level - by hormones. Love in this regard is just a hormonal storm.

Curiously, this mechanism is designed to ensure the survival of the baby primate. The little man is helpless and weak, and the nursing mother needs enhanced nutrition. In the era of stone axes, only three people could survive. So love and the desire to create a family came into our lives.

But the unconscious mechanism is far from perfect. It just makes inter-gender relationships super meaningful. We need, we seek, we ourselves do not understand what and why. Hence the polygamy: no matter how much you feed a wolf, he still looks around. This applies to both men and women, but with a slight difference. If a woman is focused on permanent relationships and family, then a man is on new adventures.

Do not rush to contemptuously wrinkle your nose, calling him a "primitive male." Be wiser, admit there is a certain degree of primitiveness in all of us. We were created that way. If mother nature relied on our fickle mind, the human race could be interrupted.

The main secret of a man

This will never be taught in school. Some - because they do not know, and others - because they do not want to share secrets. Males are greedy for any women, but men determine attractiveness for long-term relationships by their sexual type. Relatively speaking, this is his inner picture on the topic of what a woman should be. The length and color of the hair, the timbre of the voice, the size of the chest, the fullness-thinness, and even the model and color of the clothes can be decisive. These internal frameworks may be very, or not very rigid, but if you do not fit into them, there will be no relationship.

The question of preferences may arise with a radical change in image. Do not be afraid to experiment, but always do it with caution. After several months of living together, it is already possible to say what exactly the partner finds attractive.

When studying your man, it is useful to watch movies together and be in society. He will be given out by animation at the sight of his type. Watch, learn - this is your key to understanding and managing his feelings.

Read also how to make him think about you and how to meet interesting people.

The cooling of relations begins after about 2 years, when people endure to the characteristics of a partner, his tastes and habits. Women during this period already consider their partner their property, they are sure that he will not go anywhere, you can not put on makeup and walk around at home in a greasy bathrobe. The illusion is supported by legal marriage and a child. Dangerous delusion!

It is then that a connection on the side may appear. This is not necessarily a love relationship, they can be in the nature of friendship with a romantic tinge and never go into more. But this is a signal: he is losing interest.

At the biological level, there is also a decline: at 2 years old, the mother stops feeding, and the child begins to walk. Nature also agrees - you can scatter. Will that suit you?

There is an adventure when there is intrigue, there is something to study. Once you stopped being a mystery, you ended up as a woman. Even if you have been given a lot by nature, do not build illusions - it will not be enough for a lifetime. The secret of a long-term relationship lies in the ability to constantly develop and maintain interest in yourself.

In fact, every 2 years you need to conceive a new military company against boredom - take an example from Napoleon. The weapon here is just your knowledge and experiments with the image.

The sexual revolution, which the West has been talking about for so long, has come true - we freely talk about the intimate side of the life of hamsters. But behind the external openness, much remained incomprehensible. In modern society, freedom of morals, sex without obligations are promoted. In fact, the reduction of physical intimacy to sex is primitive. A person's need for emotional fusion, the feeling that a friend is near, means much more. When the ancient Taoists spoke about the art of love, they pointed to the control of feelings. The instrument in their system was physical contact, not sex, but gentle touch.

Adults are embarrassed to show feelings, considering them weakness, sparingly express gratitude, praise, tenderness. Relationships in marriage are slipping into monotonous sex and living together. The romance is leaving. That's the reason to take a walk on the side.

Boredom is the main enemy of love. The romantic mood needs to be maintained. A charming look, a gentle smile, a touch - anyone's head will spin. The height of deceit is to make such advances when he needs to go to work. Have fun!

Do not skimp on affection, remember - he should feel good next to you.

Positive is important in a relationship. Leave the dripping on the brains of fools. An ideal wife is always ready to support her husband, as in the fairy tale "What the husband does not do is good." Let me remind you: the unlucky hubby exchanged a cow for a horse, a horse for a sheep, a sheep for a goose, and in the end was left with nothing. The tale is a lie, but think about what a wife could do in that story? Roll up a scandal? What about the meaning? You can't get anything back. Spoiling relationships - you will do worse to yourself. Do you need it?

Let's talk about relationships

Talking about "relationships" is a waste of nerves. The man does not understand the phrases “I want more care, warmth” and gets annoyed. Always be specific:

• I want a romantic candlelight dinner.
• It would be nice to receive flowers unexpectedly.
• It will be cool to go barbecue on Saturday.
• Hold me like this.

Over time, he will begin to understand, believe me.

If you're getting ready for a showdown, always keep the conversation short. Stay within 10 minutes. Never bring clarifications to a scandal.

Why should I, and what is he?

Relax, you don't owe anything. The question is: what do you want? Good and lasting relationship with your loved one? Or do nothing to make everything go as it goes? Either you make your life, or life will make itself.

Be generous, don't be afraid to spend money on your happiness. Even if your relationship fails, you will at least learn something positive. At least you will choose men more correctly.

We are all not perfect, so we have to get used to each other. Feel free to take a break if you need to. Give time, but if you do not see the result, make a decision.

Don't befriend someone who shows disrespect. Don't try to fix the drug addict or the drinker - their love is incurable. Don't waste your life on an egoist - this vampire is worse than Dracula. Try not to be like that yourself, happiness shines on those who know how to give.

There is no love at first sight, there is only falling in love. Sometimes it turns into love, sometimes it doesn't. True love begins when you understand your partner, and this takes time and desire. But the result is worth it.

More on the topic:

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A married man fell in love: signs

Love comes unexpectedly and not always from people who are free from family obligations. How to determine the love of a married man? Signs of sympathy on the part of the unfree are not obvious. The reasons why a married man pays attention to other girls are varied. And it's up to you to decide whether you will associate fate with a busy person.

How does a man's behavior change?

The main signs of love in this case are:

• ostentatious restraint - unlike bachelors who do not restrain the manifestation of signs of attention, married people limit themselves when communicating with the object of passion. Moreover, the behavior involuntarily arouses suspicion. Realizing the lack of prospects in the depths of his soul, he avoids direct contact with the girl, hides his eyes, tries to involve others in the conversation, fearing to be alone with his secret love.
• non-random "accidents" - a married man does not make dates, does not ask for personal help, does not try to arrange romantic evenings. At the initial stage, he tries to do everything, emphasizing the "random" nature of the meetings. He is ready to arrange friendly parties with the invitation of a large number of guests, including the object of his passion. Being the boss, a work colleague, the lover comes up with various “working moments” as reasons for dating, hides personal interest;
• indirect participation - a person in love does not stand aside if a pretty person needs help. Provide it indirectly, through friends and acquaintances.

Behavior is demonstrated by married people who do not want to destroy the marriage, but are also unable to overcome secret love. There is another category of men who do not see in their spouse an obstacle to communication “on the side”. Such men are more active in showing sympathy.

Symptoms of falling in love

Some representatives of the stronger sex hide their wives, posing as busy bachelors who allegedly do not have free time. They avoid appearing in society in the company of a beloved woman, come up with various pretexts, avoiding joint participation in holidays, and minimally communicating on the phone. It is unlikely that a man wants to connect his life with his mistress, leaving his family. Girls who reciprocate courtship need caution.

Signs of being in love with a married man:

• nervousness in communication - the ringed one has to hide his love, and this is reflected in his behavior;
• comparison - when a man does not make secrets from his marriage, he openly declares the shortcomings of his wife, emphasizing the superiority of a new love over an unloved wife;
• gifts - a married man often gives gifts to a secret lover, thereby compensating for the lack of attention. He finds any reason to remind himself and confirm the "rights" to the woman. Clearly indicates feelings.

What to do?

Communication with a married man looks doubtful. Condemnation from the outside, the destruction of someone else's family, uncertainty about the future - the fate of a woman who reciprocated the love of a busy woman. Do not blame yourself for "destroying" other people's relationships. If a man began to look "to the left", there are serious problems within the family. Chronic womanizers are constantly looking for new relationships. But there are cases of erroneous early marriage. The love of youth is exhausted and brings pain. A relationship with a man who has become a victim of a hasty marriage will develop into something more with a high probability.

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How a married man in love behaves: signs of interest

Each of us imagines (well, at least approximately) how to fall in love with a man, and how he will behave after the birth of tender feelings. First dates, quivering touches, long nightly correspondence and sudden meetings at any time of the day ... But all this may not happen if the beloved man is married.

A free guy is not holding back anything, and he can behave relaxed and calm (how exactly - read in the article What a man feels when he falls in love). With a married man - a completely different story, if he is not a professional reveler.

The way a man behaves will depend primarily on his moral qualities, no matter how pathetic it may sound. Also, how important family is to him. If he is determined to save the marriage, only languid glances, subtle touches and sad sighs await you.

A suffering man makes not only himself unhappy, but also the women around him

If he is a decent family man, it will be difficult for him to openly show interest. There is a constant struggle inside: the desire to be near the beloved and touch her comes into conflict with the shame in front of the woman whom this Casanova has already managed to marry.

It is more difficult for a married man to allow himself to fall in love "in an adult way" if he is not yet ready to break the bonds of Hymen. He will also not be able to openly show love, you need to pay attention to hidden signs that a man simply cannot control.

So, a married man is definitely sunk if he:

• constantly trying to catch your eye;
• turns the body to you even if he is talking to someone else;
• smiles at you with or without;
• always ready to help;
• next to you becomes cheerful or thoughtful;
• writes for any reason.

The desire to get closer competes with the need to keep a distance. Another sign of falling in love: a married man looks like a schoolboy who was first covered by sympathy. No matter how old he is, teenage behavior will still hatch. Embarrassment, ridiculous phrases, even flushed cheeks - all this can betray even a brutal alpha.

Secret love correspondence is a pleasant and exciting business, although dangerous

If you have already known each other before, it is even easier to understand whether there is sympathy or not. The psychology of a man in love makes him curry favor with his sweetheart in every possible way and awakens the desire to be (well, or at least seem) better than he is. Otherwise, how else to fall in love with a woman?

You can read even more signs of male love in the article Do I like a man.

Psychologists say that a man who is ready for treason will involuntarily touch the wedding ring, twisting it. This is a sign of the desire to remove it along with the marriage shackles.

If you are a free woman interested in a long-term serious relationship, you should not rush into the pool with your head. A more important task appears: to understand what exactly a married man wants - just to fall in love and take advantage, or he is ready for a deeper relationship.

Any plans for a married man? You don't have to give them up right away, of course. But keep in mind: the unspoken life statistics are disappointing. Most men are just looking for entertainment on the side and are not going to leave their wife. Therefore, do not harbor special illusions, even if his every action looks like a sign of sincere feelings.

Romantic relationships should bring positivity, not sadness

It is better to start with neutral communication, more like friendship than love. Chronic Don Juan is only interested in bed games. He will not spend hours listening to your stories about childhood, while every fact about the sweetheart is important for a truly in love man.

If you managed to fall in love with a married man, and he realized that you are exactly “the one”, no one will delay the divorce. But constant excuses and the search for reasons why this cannot be done is a bad sign. A romance that means nothing to a man can drag on for years, and it will end with the phrase "I'm sorry, I still love my wife."

This situation is described in detail in the article Why the husband walks, but does not leave. True, there she is considered by the wife, but read it anyway, in order to better understand the motives of such a man.

Sooner or later, he will still understand who he needs - a legal wife or a new lover. And the truth is that for the sake of what he wants, he will be ready to do anything. If he wants, he will move mountains, and in the middle of the night he will rush with fruit, and he will go to the registry office to file for divorce. But only if you really want to.

Even if the husband is sure that he is the real Stirlitz and the God of conspiracy, it is almost impossible to avoid a puncture. Men often forget about how picky women are, attentive to trifles. This OH may not notice the twentieth new dress or the changed hairstyle of her missus, SHE will notice everything.

You can stress if:

• the husband suddenly decided that scrambled eggs in bacon is the enemy of the long-lost press, and he urgently needs to sign up for the gym;
• shabby T-shirts and washed-out family jackets have been replaced by new fashionable wardrobe items;
• at night, instead of the usual snoring, a quiet clatter is heard on the mobile phone display;
• bed games are replaced with a dry “I'm so tired, can we just sleep?”;
• the scent of the shower gel was replaced by an expensive perfume.

Unfaithful husbands often forget that the wife knows exactly what her husband becomes during falling in love: she has already gone through all this.

Each man experiences guilt in his own way. Someone begins to fuss more around the deceived spouse, who may still not be aware of it: sudden gifts or flowers “for no reason” (remember: has this ever happened before?), unquestioning performance of household duties, even those from which he usually denied.

The hero of "Love Actually" seriously pierced on a gift. And adultery did not bring happiness to anyone

Such an attraction of unprecedented generosity can be abruptly replaced by a negative manifestation of guilt: a man suddenly becomes a beech, refuses any conversations and takes out his irritation on the nearest woman. And immediately after that, humility returns, and the husband tries in every possible way to correct his mistakes ...

Of course, such “symptoms” are not 100% proof that the spouse has found someone on the side. But sudden changes should not be ignored either. And how to deal with the third superfluous is up to you.

And finally

I want to spend as much time as possible with the object of my passion, especially during the candy-bouquet period. But even a banal trip to the cinema can become a real problem if, after work, the faithful are expected at home, and for the weekend he has to go to his mother-in-law's dacha.

Falling asleep and waking up next to your lover is very pleasant, and for men, such actions also matter. But can he guarantee such joy at least once a week? Yes, and it's hard to realize that the beloved man from your bed went to the house where his wife is waiting.

It is worth thinking three times how necessary such a relationship is. A married man and a free woman is an old tale that rarely has a happy ending.

Hello dear ladies! They say it's hard to understand a woman. But it is no less easy to guess what a man feels for you. Especially if this man is already busy and he has other relationships. But sometimes love comes from where you do not expect it at all. Today I want to talk about how to understand if a married man loves you and what to do in such a situation.

His behavior

By and large, the behavior of a married man in love is not much different from the behavior of a free guy. And if you take a closer look, you will definitely notice the signals and hints that he subconsciously or consciously sends you. And there is no need for any special test to . Just take a look at him.

He will truly care. Even in such trifles as to bring coffee or a lift to the house. If you're working together, he'll often ask if you need help, like moving furniture. Or give you tickets to the theater for the production you so wanted to go to.

Another call - he is looking for a meeting with you. If you are colleagues, then he will look for projects in which you will be together. If, then he will often ask you to linger and help him. Calls not on the case, random meetings, a collision in the elevator - all this can tell about his feelings.

A married man can be very nervous in your presence. After all, it is worth agreeing that this is a tense situation when a non-free person has feelings. Therefore, he may even appear outright panic next to you.

A man in love will recognize you. And not just be interested in hobbies, but ask about personal life. How do you spend your free evenings, who are your friends and do you have a significant other.

Some married men begin to lie. Lie to your wife that you are late at work. And he tells you that in his family life everything is much worse than it really is. Once in such a situation, he wants to convince himself that he is doing everything right. Therefore, deliberately worsens the situation at home in words.

But the problem with this situation is that you yourself may end up in the place of his ex-wife. Therefore, carefully assess the situation, think about what you are ready to go for, and what you cannot put up with.

In any situation, be yourself. Don't become a victim. Many ladies believe that you need to grab every chance so as not to stay. Therefore, they meet with married people, they allow much more than we would like. Don't forget your wants and needs.

If you cannot find answers to some very important questions for you and are afraid that the problems that have arisen cannot be solved, sign up for a Skype consultation with me.

I wish you all the best. Love yourself and be loved!

The wife is beautiful, slender, young, pretty, no children yet - all attention is only to her husband. And the husband, the asshole, runs to the side. I ask him openly, why are you cheating on your wife? The response was amazing! The guy sincerely believed that he was a first-class male and it was stupid to give himself to one woman, and in general all men are polygamous, just some are fettered by the framework of social norms of decency.

- And love? - I ask - I married for love, after all!

- A married man loves his mistress and wife equally, only he takes his own from each! I heard back.

Breath of fresh air

Well, if in such an ideal family situation the husband goes to the left, then how to reproach the fathers of families who are mired in household chores. For them, a lover is an outlet, a joy in life, an opportunity to get emotional relief from the family, being in reliable female hands. The wife saves money at home - she buys everything in stock stores, but here a trip to the luxurious, relaxing atmosphere of the restaurant is only welcome.

Can a married man fall in love with another who returns him to peace of mind and makes him feel not a slave, but the master of life? Certainly! She gave him a massage, and heart-to-heart conversations, and a romantic dinner ... My wife could do that too, but she has children, cooking, washing, ironing. She values ​​it so much that she would have given up everything and found a lover herself.

pseudo love

Cases of falling in love with a married man can also be considered from the perspective of marriage in youth. Often, without understanding the feelings, without checking them, the couple enters into an alliance. But over time, everything changes dramatically. Feelings do not pass the test of time and family trials, restrictions on freedom and duties. Marriage can last until one of them meets a new, mature, measured love.

If a married man loves his mistress deeply and sincerely, the question of divorce arises. Should a wife feel insulted or betrayed? When there are no children behind not long years, and a couple of joint years - by no means. This is her chance in life begin everything from start to act more deliberately and for your own good.

Provincial Sultan. Can a man love his wife and mistress?

Love, like a new universe, is born from a grain and ceases to be an event of unprecedented proportions. You never know if she will have an end or this amazing feeling with you for the rest of her life. For some, this happiness happens several times in a lifetime.

We have an amazing trio living in our house - husband, wife and mistress. They have been peacefully existing within the three-room "Khrushchev" for the second decade. The history of their reunion is known to all the grannies in the district. The famous local tennis player Stanislav Ivanovich got married at the behest of his mother. She found a girl for him from a decent family, educated, with an influential dad. The marriage was beneficial. But Stasik loved a completely different girl from school. It turned out to be more difficult to overcome my mother's desire than to part with Tasya, and therefore, soon Stanislav Ivanovich's passport flaunted a seal of marriage. But, they say, he was not faithful to his wife for a minute. As soon as a minute was given, he ran to Taisiya. At first, Marina (wife) struggled with this phenomenon, then she decided that time heals, and then she met Taisya personally, out of curiosity and with a request to leave her husband, as she was expecting a child.

For ten years no one saw Tayu and did not know where she was. During this time, Stas drooped, walked forever sad. Grannies whisper that Marina herself found her husband's former mistress. As soon as Marina and Stas sent their son to a military school, Taya moved in with them. They did not long suffer from the question of whether a man can love his mistress and his wife at the same time. All three of them got together for dinner and sincerely told about their feelings. WITH Tanislav Ivanovich confessed to women that he loves both of them and believes that they complement each other perfectly. He cannot part with one of them, and therefore he asked the ladies to get along and live together from now on, so that the idyll is complete. And Stanislav Ivanovich's grandfathers have long been nicknamed the Sultan. Envy for sure!

Love triangle by mutual consent

Situations with a love triangle are found even in strong families. As if an eclipse finds on one of the spouses, and in the darkness he loses all life orientations and values. My colleague had an ideal family for 13 years. But one day her husband changed a lot. It happened overnight. In the morning, a normal husband left, in the evening he returned thoughtful, nervous, with signs of panic. Christina could not question him for a long time, she was worried. Only a month later, Timur told her that he had strong feelings for one girl, that he had lied to her about his marital status. Timur himself did not understand how he is a married man can love another woman. Christina then fell into complete despair. The husband claimed that he loved her and their child, cherished them and was not ready to exchange them for a sudden outburst of feelings, but he constantly hovered in the clouds, ignored Christina's hints of intimacy, mentally moved away from her.

This situation baffled them both. Christina just waited to see what would happen next. She tried to look for excuses for Timur herself. The colleague stopped at the thought that since Timur married her because of pregnancy, it turns out that she forced him. Christina was head over heels in love with him, and suddenly Timur did not love her at all when he proposed. Such thoughts haunted the woman. Christina really decided that that other one was her husband’s true love, that if it weren’t for her, these two had long ago created a family. While Christina was thinking, her husband moved from words to deeds and soon informed her that his mistress was pregnant from him. However, Timur was not going to leave the family. He showered his wife with gifts, saying that he loved her, but his feelings for the other were still great. So Timur now lives in two families. Christina is not familiar with her mistress. Knows only the name - Eugene.

Where did this strange love come from, intervening in an exemplary family, is not clear. Apparently, feelings are really much more difficult to manage than we think. Christina did not want to change anything and accepted her husband's child from another woman, but there were millions of ways to deal with this situation. Humble or win back - every woman decides for herself. If Christina had been more decisive and categorical, her husband would not have gone so far, but she surrendered to the will of fate, taking a passive position. The meaning of her actions will be understood, probably, only by those who have been in a similar situation.

Who is the constant here?

Being a lover is not easy, understanding that you are not the only woman, even though you have the status of a wife, is even harder. Such a situation can be prevented, but this will require all the female insight, cunning, patience and endless self-control.

A man can love his wife and mistress. In the performance of one, he likes borscht, and he idolizes the other for carnal pleasures and the opportunity to renounce everyday life. The question is who in this formula of love will be a constant and who will be a variable.

Not a single representative of the fair sex is immune from the situation when she is overtaken by love for a man who has already managed to marry another woman.

In such situations, numerous unforeseen questions arise and, of course, after each communication, excitement grows. How will the romantic story develop?

How to find out if a married man loves you and make sure of it? In addition, it is not always possible to immediately understand how high the chances of developing a romantic relationship become, not to mention the opportunity to stay together ...

Signs that a married man is in love

There are several signs that a married man really has an interest in another person.

Communication

Married men behave differently with girls who have managed to please them. It all depends on the nature of the representative of the stronger sex. On the question of how to find out whether a married man truly loves you or not, you need to understand one serious limitation that exists - a stamp in your passport.

Attention from a married man does not always mean something serious

It is possible that restrictions will be noted in communication, which sooner or later will lead to reasonable suspicions.

If a man is not ready to betray his wife, any contact will be prevented

Sometimes, after all, a married man is not ready to deal with his feelings, the existing cravings. In this situation, he is ready to act openly with his chosen one. Such manifestations of love can be dismissive., it's not so easy to admit that the wife no longer causes any interest. However ... you can’t get away from feelings, so sometimes romantic notes begin to appear more and more often and sincerely.

Man's behavior

Sooner or later, actions betray the true attitude of a married man towards his mistress. Interested in how to find out if a married man loves you, you need to understand that Can't hide real feelings...

If a girl needs help, a man will find a way to contribute to the successful solution of an existing issue. Even if there is a desire to prevent contacts, help will be provided indirectly, through other people.

Body language and gestures

In many situations, true feelings are manifested in gestures that are not so easy to control. Many girls try to understand how to find out if a married man loves you or just has a passion for you, they forget that body language becomes an amazing discovery of the meaning of all actions.

What features to pay attention to?

• long stares- this is the first and very shy step of two people in love who are still trying to fight what is emerging between them ...
• You can follow the fleeting movements of the eyebrows. If a man is in love with a girl, he will make an involuntary movement of his eyebrows for one second.
• Every man tries to look irresistible in front of a girl. which interests him. For this reason, he will straighten his shoulders, raise his head and draw in his stomach. All this will testify to the desire to please.
• Classic intimate gesture- placing the thumbs behind the trouser belt. Sometimes a man can keep one hand on his hips or sit on a chair, stretching his legs. Such changes indicate that he is trying to show his physical strength and willingness to be with a girl.
• The desire for intimacy often manifested by the fact that a man gently takes a girl by her hand or accidentally touches her hair. Such gestures ensure that a man is pleased to be around, so he wants to prolong this pleasure.

Even if communication turns out to be unnecessarily strained, it is recommended to take care to pay special attention to gestures and think about why a married man behaves a little playfully ...

Signs of attention from a man

Important fact! Signs of attention that can come from a man say a lot. In the initial period of communication or romantic relationships, it is possible to understand how the situation is in reality.

If everything calmed down and became commonplace, there will be no chance for positive changes.

Men show their attention in different ways, because not all of them are ready for cardinal changes in life and active rapprochement with a girl. Only free guys are ready to take care of the girls passionately, trying to successfully cope with the tasks.

A married man can offer help in a friendly or sympathetic way.

In fact, if the marriage is not going as well as we would like, the chances of starting a romantic relationship increase significantly.

Perhaps, after all, there will be a transition to the romantic stage of communication with a further perspective ... But you should not think so far, because you first need to understand how to find out if a married man loves you.

The girl, despite her status as a potential lover, retains good opportunities to try to get close to her beloved man. If a man tries to help in difficult situations, encourage and inspire, you don’t need to act recklessly, immediately showing your interest.

How to understand the intentions of a married man

The first and most important task is to try to understand the true intentions of a married man. To do this, it is advisable to start with friendship, having your chosen one to learn more about the relationship with his wife, to understand what their marriage is and whether there are problems.

A long look indicates a clear interest

If you managed to find out about the married status of a new acquaintance right away, it is recommended to end any relationship. Otherwise, the question may arise, how to find out just having fun, or the answer about whether a married man loves you will be joyful and encouraging.

Carefully! Of course, there are cases where marriages break down after the love passes and people make a serious decision to break up. However, many situations confirm that the man did not even plan his divorce at first.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to 100% know the thoughts and desires of another person, but it is possible and necessary to try to predict the development of the situation.

If, nevertheless, the relationship is laid down and promises to be happy, you won’t have to wait long for a divorce.. Nothing good should be expected if a man is constantly looking for numerous excuses and does not even strive to take a serious and decisive step.

It's very frustrating to listen to all the new excuses and excuses every time.

Relationships can be given a chance, but only up to a certain point, because sooner or later it becomes clear that nothing good will happen.

Is it necessary to build a relationship with a married man

Life is an unpredictable thing, therefore it is impossible to give an unambiguous answer regarding relations with a married man. In any case, such a romantic relationship promises to be dubious. The woman will be judged by other people who will not approve of trying to take someone else's husband away from his wife.

Doubt and uncertainty are unpleasant moments of such a romantic connection.

Interesting fact! If a man cheats on his wife and takes active steps in a relationship with his mistress, we can assume that there are serious problems in family life. For example, womanizers cannot live without new relationships, and a husband disappointed with life is not ready to be faithful to his wife.

However, sometimes relationships have a perspective, because forced marriage or early marriage can collapse quite often.

How to build relationships

If a girl nevertheless decides on a relationship with a married man and values ​​them, she needs to know how to behave with him correctly.

What can and should be done

• First of all, it is recommended to understand that relationships are built on the positive and the absence of conflicts and quarrels. For this reason, it is recommended to adhere to the correct tactics with a married man.
• It is desirable to enjoy relationships at the beginning, without thinking about the future. Pleasure can be obtained from romance and sex. Of course, it is advisable to treat your personal future with respect, so it is undesirable to delay communication without prospects for a long time.
• The personal time of a married man cannot be claimed, as it becomes a valuable gift for his family.

He still has to go, react calmly

• Aggression can destroy any romance, so it is advisable to control the mood.
• A lover cannot be forbidden anything. Even if a man decides to meet with friends, his decision must be respected.
• Patience can be valuable. If a girl is interested in how to find out if a married man loves you, it is best to gradually bring him to the need for a divorce. Only tact and understanding of the current situation will help to maintain relations.

What not to do

How can one not behave if there is a desire to maintain the existing relationship as long as possible?

• the spouse of the beloved cannot be criticized or blamed, trying to emphasize his leadership;
• you should not tell your friends about the secret, because no one from outsiders should know about the relationship;
• you can not abuse whims;
• you can not put pressure on the chosen one and demand a divorce;
• it is not recommended to impose your society on a man.

Relations between lovers will be happy and promising only if both parties find a particle of happiness in what they can build or destroy.

Communication with a married man: love or problems?

Many girls are ready to be mistresses of married men, but at the same time, the question regarding the prospects for relationships continues to remain open. You need to understand that only the person who finds himself in a love triangle has the opportunity to make his final choice and put everything in its place.

Mistresses often worry about a shared future with their lover, so they are not always ready to maintain a romantic union for a long time.

Is it worth becoming part of a love triangle - you decide

Before you set the perspective, you need to understand the features of marriage. Most often, men in whose relationship problems are noted, they decide to cheat.. If cosiness and comfort always reign at home, there is a happy and loving wife, nothing bad will happen. The only exceptions are the womanizers.

For this reason, it is necessary not only to understand how to find out whether a passionately and truly married man loves you or not, it is advisable to analyze the situation from all sides, and then make the right decision regarding the relationship.

Perhaps you still need to give a chance for romantic feelings, which over time can only become stronger?

What should a girl do if she falls in love with a married man? Watch video tips:

Get an expert's opinion on the meaning of a relationship with a married man from the following video:

What is a married man looking for on the side? The answer will be given by a video consultation of a psychologist:

“I love my wife ... And I love my mistress ... How can I be?” This disposition occurs to me from time to time in my work.

Decided to make a note about it. Without the task of correcting someone, so - for information.

Despite the name and the disposition outlined above, the note is equally suitable for both men and women. The situation when one person loves two at once - after all, it occurs in both men and women.

Let's start by clarifying the main thing - is it possible to love two at once?

The answer, as usual, depends on the semantic content of the verb "to love." If you think that “to love” means “to experience a feeling of warm affection”, then you can. Even three can be warmly attached. Even to four. Why, there are people who can warmly attach themselves to hundreds of individuals at once.

It’s another matter if we say “love”, but we hear “show mutual active care” or “demonstrate dopaminergic goal-setting motivation to form and maintain stable pair bonds” (who said that Zygmantovich writes too primitive notes? Try to chew this definition!) .

With such meanings, it is impossible to love two people. Because if you show care, you will not hurt your wife by showing such care to another woman. And if you seek to form stable pair bonds, then you will not begin to form these bonds with someone else, except for your husband (because then the connection with him will be unstable).

It turns out that it is impossible to love two people at once (unless, of course, you use adequate definitions of love).

But there are situations when a man seems to love his wife - and immediately loves his mistress! And there are situations when a woman loves her husband - and immediately loves her lover. How so?

There are, I think, three explanations for this.

First(very simple). In the cases described, the verb "love" is simply incorrectly (incorrectly) used. For example, a woman loves her lover, but lives with her husband simply because, for example, there is nowhere else to live (or for some similar near-rational reason - children, mortgages, social pressure). This explanation is obvious, so we won't dwell on it for a long time.

Second explanation (harder). By and large, this is a variation of the first, but it is very bright - it can be distinguished separately. It's about a situation where a person also uses the verb "love" incorrectly. With this verb, he calls his dependence on some manifestations of another person. I wrote more about this in the article “Why did I leave the family? I don’t know ... ”(link to it is at the end of the text), so I won’t repeat myself.

Third explanation (largest). You can’t love two at once, but you can be in a state of choice - who exactly to love. Now I'll tell you more.

How does a mistress or lover appear? Almost always - against the background of weakening feelings for a partner. Why such a weakening occurs is not the topic of this note, as well as the issue of refreshing feelings (there is a separate webinar about this, a link to it will be below).

Now we are interested in something else - the scheme of development of the situation "I love them both."

So, feelings weakened, a lover / mistress appeared. The romance is developing on the side, it seems to everyone that the situation is obvious, everyone understands what is going on ... But here, as a rule, the unexpected happens.

Namely: in a strange way, relations with a spouse are improving.

How this happens is a separate big conversation. Here there is a contribution from hormones, and purely psychological mechanisms (for example, pressure from a mistress), and variables unknown to science (not yet known).

The main thing is that the trend is noticeable - often after the appearance of a lover / mistress, relations in the husband-wife pair improve (knowledgeable people will immediately recall the special term “triangulation”).

And in this situation, a person finds himself in a state of choice - with whom to stay after all. It is this state that is called "to love two." Yes, I insist (or am I not the most categorical psychologist in the world?). It is the state of choice between two men that is called "I love both," it is the state of choice between two women that is called "I love both."

As such, love is not here yet. It will appear later - when a person decides in his choice.

So, it turns out, the main question is to decide on the choice. And you need to decide - some of the relationships need to end, otherwise the body simply will not stand it. An unfinished relationship is like a splinter. All the time they interfere and strive to turn into an abscess and blood poisoning.

Relationships must end, this is an axiom.

How exactly do you choose who to end a relationship with? Here I will not tell you - it's none of my business. But how to end a relationship is up to me, I can do it.

This is not so much about the end of a relationship that is still alive, but about the end of a relationship that outwardly ended a few years ago. Well, you know how it happens - people continue to live in the hope of returning, in new relationships they behave as in the previous ones, they constantly compare a new potential partner and an old one ... There is no benefit from this, only harm. You need to understand that in order to start a new relationship, you need to end the old one.

I have collected all the most effective psychological ways to end old relationships in one audio training.

And I have everything, thank you for your attention.

Promised notes and links:

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I love my wife... And I love my mistress too: 58 comments

1. Maria

   but how can a man choose between two women if he has already chosen his wife officially before.?

2. Alexei

   But what about the eastern polygamous families?

3. Ivan

   Pasha, hello! Thanks for the interesting article.

   You write that "the main question is to decide on the choice." But if the choice occurs virtually every day, how can you say whether you have decided or not?

   For example, I love my girlfriend, and everything is fine with us, but when I see other beautiful and NEW girls for me, I am very drawn to them. Not in the sense you want to sleep straight, but rather you want some kind of flirting or her attention. But I want to strongly, straight blows the roof. At first, she seems very beautiful and so mysterious, but after a couple of minutes of communication, it usually becomes less interesting, you find some flaws (comparing with your girlfriend). And lets go ... exactly until the next time.

   Because of this, I feel guilty and start looking for explanations: this girl has longer legs, and this one has a more attractive smile. In general, sometimes I feel like I'm trying to find the perfect girl. But I am sure that when I find it, I will still stare at the new ones, simply because they are different.

   Obviously, my search behavior has not ended, I have to make a choice every day with difficulty. Are there methods, and if so, which ones, to accept your choice and believe in it?

   1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author

      Hello Ivan!

      You write that "the main question is to decide on the choice." But if the choice occurs virtually every day, how can you say whether you have decided or not?
      _Here is such a thing - the choice happens every day, that's right. You can make a choice at the moment of choice. That is, if it is every day, then every day you need to make a choice. The final decision can be made only after death 🙂

      For example, I love my girlfriend, and everything is fine with us, but when I see other beautiful and NEW girls for me, I am very drawn to them.
      _This means that you have a search behavior (as you correctly write) and, therefore, you have not yet decided whether you want to live in a pair with your girlfriend. Actually, there is exactly one method here - to start living in a pair.

      Simply put - get married 🙂 Well, or at least indicate to everyone (and to yourself too) that you are a couple. Put on the ring, status on the social network, tell your friends 🙂

      1. Ivan

         Pash, thanks for the answer 😉 We have been living together for about a year now. Sometimes I’m extremely happy, and sometimes I want to break free and run away =) I thought the reason for this was that I once missed the “relationship without obligations” stage, didn’t work up - study, science, work ... And now I’m 27 and I myself I understand that it's time to settle down and even want to, that's the paradox.

         Pash, do I understand you correctly that in order to finally deal with this search behavior, you need to understand - do I want to be with this girl or not? Those. should i get married? It just scares me that the price of a mistake is high. But, of course, it is even more frightening to lose everything and these constant doubts are insanely exhausting - any certainty is better =)

4. Yuri

   You have a very strange definition of love, under which you adjust your reasoning. I think that for many, love has nothing to do with the desire to form stable pair bonds. They also love other people's spouses, and without the desire to make the spouse their own, there is love in an open marriage and in a thousand different situations.
   The axiomatic nature of the need for choice is also by no means obvious. A lot of people are happy just from having multiple love objects without having to make a choice.

5. Tamara

   Pavel, bravo! Everything is so easy and clear. Once again I take my hat off to you

6. Natalia

   Thank you!
   Until they understand that love and falling in love - attraction - egoism - attachment are still different, they will call one another ...

7. margarita

   Still, it would be interesting to know about the selection algorithm. I am already completely confused between two men, and I can’t even imagine how to choose one of them. So I go back and forth, but this is bad for me, and for them, to put it mildly, unpleasant. I understand that I need to stop somewhere, but I can’t.

   1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author

      Margarita, first of all, you need to stop choosing. That is, for a month or more not to see and not communicate 🙂

8. Murka

   Everything about you is strange. Like on the shelves. And when you love a person because he cares about you, loves you. When you understand that a child loves both dad and mom. BUT when the same person breaks down on you, if there are problems at work, does not want sex. But even close to talking about a divorce is not. Convenient, good.
   And when there is a person who does not yell, who wants you, hears. BUT who, like you, has a family in which it is comfortable and good, well, there is not enough sex, well, the wife sometimes mows, and who does not. There is a child who also loves both mom and dad.
   And two not free people think about each other, love each other and understand that there is no point in making a choice here :))) That's how you love two.

9. Murka

   And yes, it's been going on for over 6 years.

10. Murka

    In, even if a psychologist cannot figure it out)) How can ordinary inhabitants understand this range of feelings :))))
    I speak easier. Sometimes, it seems to me, making a choice does not make sense or is simply not possible. Therefore, people dangle, now to his wife, then to his mistress. (Now to her husband, then to her lover) And they really love sincerely both. And they cannot make a choice, since love is a multifaceted concept. It's like choosing between the left hand and the right, which one to cut off, because both are needed. So you can live your whole life, and happily.
    I personally love my husband. He cares, loves, I love sex with him, I love to cook for him, I love to lie on the couch with him and watch a movie, etc. But I hate his uncompromisingness, irascibility and harshness, also slowness and not love for noisy companies.
    And my lover is a completely different person, loves noisy companies, always listens and supports, does not shout, loves. BUT he is careless in everyday life, he doesn’t know how to take care, he loves alcohol (not to the point of losing his pulse, but more fun), but I don’t like drunk people, etc.
    Now, if I could make one person out of the two of them, I would be happy )) But the ideal man does not exist, just like the ideal woman.

    And problems begin only when one of the two women (men) begins to pull the blankets over themselves. Then yes, the question of choice arises ) And this is how you can live and be happy )) And most importantly, sincerely love two!

11. Ilya

    Here it is - and I thought that love is a feeling that, in principle, cannot be put under any definition, I love both my wife and my mistress, I love it in different ways, but they are different, but what I wrote the author - I think this is nonsense, you can’t put feelings under definitions !!!

    1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author

       Ilya, it is possible, very possible 🙂

12. Anonymous

    I love my wife, I have a mistress whom I can’t refuse in the family, there are children, but I can’t make a choice

13. vadim

    my wife and I lived in poor poverty for 15 years! she walked with me, I walked with us. 3 daughters lived with us anyway. then there were daily scandals and I left the family, met a girl and fell in love! we lived a year! lets go says she won’t live without me!?! I feel very sorry for her, she’s a good person and she’s not guilty of anything! what should I do, kind people, please give me advice, I’m lost!

14. Konstantin

    Good time of the day.
    based on your conclusions, you draw the bottom line -
    a person is SHARPENED to love one / y.
    That is, according to your conclusions, if you exclude sexual components, a partner cannot love his children and parents. He/she is not imprisoned.
    I think your acquaintance with the polygamous families of the East is very superficial, if you draw such conclusions, but God be your judge.
    I'm sure you're familiar with the term POLYAMORE RELATIONSHIPS, where there's no limit to living with just one partner. And there is no lie, so the concept of treason does not exist there. By common agreement, they live together.
    So here's the question: who SHARPENED a person within the framework of one partner?
    
    why is polygamy allowed in Judaism and Islam (and many other religions)?

    1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author

       Good day, Konstantin.

       That is, according to your conclusions, if you exclude sexual components, a partner cannot love his children and parents. He/she is not imprisoned.
       _These are your conclusions, not mine 🙂 It's convenient to attribute your conclusions to me and disagree with me on this basis 🙂

       I'm sure you're familiar with the term POLYAMORE RELATIONSHIPS, where there's no limit to living with just one partner. And there is no lie, so the concept of treason does not exist there. By common agreement, they live together.
       There are also polyandrous marriages - when one woman has many husbands. The world is so diverse

       So here's the question: who SHARPENED a person within the framework of one partner?
       _Evolution. She's cursed

       
       Why in the tribes: unfamiliar with the concept of world revolution.
       why is polygamy allowed in Judaism and Islam (and many other religions)?
       _ Above, I mentioned the tribes where polyandry is allowed. It is obvious that this is a consequence of the conditions of life. The Jews and Muslims you mention are moving towards monogamous marriages at the first opportunity. Like this 🙂

15. Ermis

    Behind the husband, there is a lover. I love both .. Sometimes I want to quit everything and go to my lover (He doesn’t call, He’s not married, he only meets me) sometimes he skews towards my husband and I think to erase my lover’s number, especially if he doesn’t call, he’s busy .. .. But not I can decide on anything. I am tormented and afraid of losing one of them.

16. Tatiana

    Hello Pavel. I read your article about the choice and straight heart ached. It seems like it looks like the truth, and from a scientific point of view, maybe it’s right (I’m not special), I’ll just say now about my feelings from what I read. The feeling that this is such an interesting game, which is simply called "choice" and people choose in a circle of this and that, and they can also give a link to such an article;) my choice - I have the right. In fact, this is pure selfishness. does not suit this one, but on the side I will get what I lack. This is not a choice - this is theft and deceit, just a betrayal veiled under the word choice + infantile not wanting to work on yourself and relationships. The choice was made once - at the altar, and then you can't choose. You seem to admit the possibility of blurring the boundaries of marriage with these various clever psychological terms and points 1,2,3. the most interesting thing is that “gulens” will even justify themselves 🙂 and they write here again mostly ordinary “gulens” who are primarily concerned only with their comfort, but no one thinks about their responsibility and about the pain that they cause both spouses and children. this is generally a destructive position for the family as such. (My opinion) I want to be chosen only once. For reference: there were two husbands who loved to choose and could not understand in any way. I made this choice for them. Divorce and property in half.

17. Otto

    It is very sad to read such a set of allegations, as in this article. At least this phrase: “if you show care, you will not hurt your wife by showing such care to another woman.” Just one of the possible, of course traditional, especially on this part of the land, but essentially neurotic, the variant of building relationships is extolled here as the only correct one. While more and more people are choosing to live differently.

18. RoNasva

    But after all, there are situations when a man seems to love his wife - and immediately loves his mistress! And there are situations when a woman loves her husband - and immediately loves her lover. How so?

19. Anna

    It’s even funny to read the comments of people who cover up their inflated ego with love, allegedly love both their spouse (a) and their mistress (ka). They love only themselves. If you love your spouse, there will be no other person in your life. Love is, first of all, respect for a loved one and acceptance of him as he is. All people are different, but if they really love each other, they work on themselves and relationships, and do not seek compensation for any character traits in other people. Not enough, you gentlemen, responsibility! And if you suddenly realize that the relationship does not suit you and has become obsolete, then it would be more honest to file a divorce, and not lie. And in general, write about the shortcomings of spouses and lovers, but are you perfect? Your love is called by another word….